Even a Tiny Spark

I need to write what I know even if it is such a tiny spark of light.  It came to me today while I was working with H., a way to begin my story, the story of how I came into being.  It starts with the words “For years I’ve been told…” told what to do, how to behave, what to think, what’s important, what’s right, what’s wrong—all the socially, politically, religiously or spiritually acceptable truths, beliefs, behaviors.  All of it to get me to perform according to society’s accepted procedures.  Nothing terribly wrong with all this.  Mostly these rules are there for good reasons.  Yet something very profound and much maligned had been traded for this socialization—my intuition, my soul, myself. 

There has been a steady and persistent diminishing and devaluing of myself, not the inner child but my inner being.  By turning always to the outer authorities, I lost awareness of my own inner authority, my conduit to God, His voice, His guidance. 

There is a part of me that is both me and Thee.  A part of me that needed to be heard, acknowledged, loved.  At first this part felt like an angry, hateful child, screaming at me, no longer willing to behave herself, no longer willing to sit down and be quiet, to mind her manners, to not make any noise.  Suddenly and unexpectedly she was breaking windows, throwing stones, screaming for attention.  None of my usual methods of quieting her worked.  No amount of chocolate, coffee, food, sex or writing would quiet her rage.  Finally my only option was to listen, to bear witness to her anger, her pain, her sorrow.  I could no longer stuff these feelings.  There was no place to hide.

It took days, maybe even weeks for this tempest, this tantrum to subside.  Every time I would close my eyes to pray or meditate, she would be there, filling my inner landscape with the dead, burnt bodies of the usual offered solutions, scorched to ashes in her deadly wrath.  Until one evening, while sitting at the movies with my husband waiting for the feature to begin, I dropped inside once again to see what mayhem she had created.  It was stunning to find her there finally spent, finally quiet, even thoughtful.  She said, “I’ve always wanted to be thin.”  A stunning statement after all that rage, so simple, so clear.  She didn’t want to control the Universe, or to call hell and fire down on unsuspecting passers-by, she only always wanted to be thin.  “Maybe I can help you with that,” I said.

And with that, unencumbered by outer images, she began to open and to blossom.  The trick it seemed was giving her my attention, something denied for almost her whole life.  Give her the attention I had longed for, give her the love, appreciation, respect that I always sought but couldn’t find.  Love her.  Love myself.  What a concept! 

Loving myself was not trying to fulfill the litany of shoulds and shouldn’ts; loving me was a simple process of listening to my own voice, the one instilled in me at conception when the Holy Spirit entered my human form and gave me life.  And now there is this partnership.  Myself listening to this quiet inner voice which has transformed with time and attention to become a loving inner presence able to express herself more fully and as she does, I am aware that this presence is my connection to what’s deepest in me. 

The transformation that has taken place is the angry, rage-filled child has become my doorway to what is most essential inside me. Gradually I began to notice that this voice which I thought was me had a deeper resonance.  I began to realize that the voice I thought was mine was really Yours.  You were speaking to me and as I listened I began to know the being You would have me be.

Coming face to face with my humanness opened the way to You.  I am not a failed experiment.  I am not a mistake.  I am exactly what You had in mind.  And now that I have come to understand this, I am able to be what You had in mind—a perfect expression of Your Magnificence.  I am the glove but You are the hand.   

Fits and Starts

Fits and starts, that's the image that came to me today.  An image of getting access, seeing divine light and presence in fits and starts.  I don't even know it is there sometimes; I am just flaying around, searching for words, not even aware that the words I am speaking are His words.  There is no "I" here, so it isn't clear who is speaking. An empty slate on which words appear as if rising from the depths unbidden.  I am just a place holder, a template, a clear pond upon which the subtler, deeper experience shows through and next a puddle of mud, no depth, no clarity only to settle again as the beauty, the candor, the clairity returns... in fits and starts.

I Felt You Move by Me

I use writing to touch what is deepest inside; to touch, contact, heal, feel, open to the jewel, the pearl, the wisdom I carry.  The Circle of Stones by Judith Duerk pointed again to the wisdom of this process, but a pointer only.  Anais Nin, "And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." pointing again to this process of opening.  Such beauty moves in and thru me.  I am scared, and excited and joy filled.

I’m in the process of birthing something and I am not clear yet what it is.  I can talk about it in circles, outlining the shape, delineating the boundaries but still unable to see what it is.  It has to do with feminine divinity, not femininity but divinity.  Something is moving.  The deep awareness is stirring.  The source of women’s deep knowing, wisdom, power and intuition.  Samah said we trade off something for our place in the hierarchical man’s world.  So true.  But it is time to once again to acknowledge and connect with our deep knowing, if only as women, if only in ourselves, to know it again and to have always known it.

Everything in my life conspires to keep this from coming out.  My arm aches as I write.  I can hardly maintain the movement of my pen across the page.  My breathing is compromised; my speaking voice is diminished, my eyes have difficulty seeing the words on the page, my arms struggle to hold a book high enough to read.  I am getting old—or older.  Is it too late to attempt this?  Too late to train for the marathon?  The Beauty within affirms that all of this is in God’s perfect timing.  There is nothing I have to prove.  Just step forward. Step out.

The Dalai Lama said the world will be save by Western women.  He said we need more effort to promote human values – human compassion, human affection.  And in that respect, females have more sensitivity for others’ pain and suffering.

There is a wisdom that women carry, that each of us carries, but that women have access to more readily.  Their focus is on process not product, co-creation rather than competition.  There is a need for this change in the world order, as our current trajectory points to collapse of societal structures, death and decay.  But there is an enlivening taking place inside our hearts and souls, a longing that begs for fulfillment.  That longing is for a deeper wisdom, a deeper connection to what is essential, to our own essence. 

As the drop becomes the ocean, so the soul becomes deified, losing her name and work, but not her essence.  Meister Eckhart

In a recent teleconference, Dr. Jean Houston remarked that “millions of people right now are experiencing this same yearning.  It is a surging of the human spirit, a virtual global awakening, at a scale no one has ever seen before.”  This wisdom has been locked inside for centuries as the patriarchal model pushed women’s knowing deep inside.  But it is time, the pendulum is clearly swinging back.  It is time for that longing to be heard, expressed and brought to light—to be given birth.  And in doing so, solutions, possibilities that are not obvious now in our present state of constriction will open and come to light.  And our next steps will become evident.  Without these next steps, there is little hope for the continuation of this beautiful experiment called life on Earth.

* * * * * *

I felt you move by me, come closer and enter.  I looked askance.  What am I fearing?  The healing today showing me again your perfection, the perfection of me, of you in me, of me.  Not so that I can take credit; just so I can acknowledge and speak from that.  There is a huge presence, almost a wind blowing at my back, pushing me, pulling me into the world, kicking and screaming.  Help me let go.  You are.  This is your way, the way.  Open/let go/ step thru.  I am certain the way is clear.  I am so excited by the prospect of seeing what you would have me be.  So excited to see what you would have me see.  I am so happy, so scared, so excited.  So thrilled.  Oh boy!  What a ride.  What a beautiful ride.