Allah is the Constrictor.
What is that quality? (Al-Qabid). He has shown me His face. That’s all I asked for today in prayer, “Let
me see You—see You in my heart, my life” and then talking with John about
budgets, I finally articulated the juxtaposition between You and my nafs (ego).
My nafs feel like the bad guys—arguing, resisting, condemning me, my inability
to see and then I am shown that I am not closed! I am completely open to Your
constriction. I am completely
surrendered to Your protecting care, keeping me close; keeping me safe.
I described this state to my sis the other day saying I felt
as though I was wrapped in strings or rope and as long as I struggled or tried
to get loose, the ropes or constriction got tighter and I felt more and more
desperate. But if I surrendered to my
states, accepted where You had put me, kept me, held me, then I am immediately
at peace. If I fight back against S., I am
agitated and angry but if I see her as trustworthy, capable of being given my
trust, then I am at peace. And the same
for our finances: if I accept the sudden lack of cash flow, accept our situation,
I feel abundance and peace.
When I first saw our financial state, I felt an old familiar
sense of panic. All those years alone, with
two little kids, all those years growing up and then that stupid marriage—I
take that back! The marriage was
perfect—look what it produced—two beautiful children. OK!
Got it!
Still the old memory of fear of lack or fear of money came back. But then, I said, “You have always cared for
me, taken care of me, loved me and I am certain in this moment, in this
situation – now – you are caring for me as well.” And the fear diminished and what came was
peace—peace in constriction, as though wrapped securely in Your arms, You holding
me close. My heart and soul at rest; my
nafs feeling a bit shaky but the cure or salve for that wound is trust, trust
and reliance!
I asked to see Your Face.
Thank you! I asked to be shown how
to see You, and You showed me You as me.
You unfurled Your wisdom & knowledge before my eyes as I stood in
front of my husband and said, “I am not in constriction! This is not my doing! Allah has put me here. He has made this possible—this place of stopping,
readjusting, return and redirection. I
am not at fault! I am not closed! My heart is not shut! I am fine!
I am in Allah’s hands. He is my
guide and protector! He is my Lord!”
So thank you Beloved, for opening my heart to You; for
letting me see Your face. Thank you for
Your generosity in answering my sincere request to know You better. Thank You for everything! Such a paltry way of praising you—‘thank you
for everything’ but how else can I, would you have me say thanks?
It is amazing to me to find you so responsive, so near. And knowing You are here I am at a loss for
words—would sunshine be enough, or green leaves, or warm feet, or silent
witness, or Mother Divine—is there anyway to praise You that You have not
already created, accepted or felt? Is
there any praise that I can give that will suffice to penetrate Your majesty?
Silence is one; silence inside, silence outside—silence suffices.
