Love Thy Neighbor

The commandment “Love thy neighbor as thy self” implies that to love my neighbor I must first love myself. The expression “love thy self” is not clear to me.  How do I do that? New clothes, fine car, big house? What about the self inside that shows up periodically wrecking havoc with my sense of wellbeing? How do I love that self?

John described in a recent conversation that our memories and experiences are stored in the cerebellum. When triggered by an outer event, a memory or impression surfaces from this stored reservoir overwhelming the conscious mind with that memory: fear, lack of worth, ineptitude, etc. I know this experience well.  When life elicits an old memory or impression, I am thrown back into the consciousness of that circumstance and am overwhelmed by the old beliefs. Without a deeper sense of self, I am caught by that image or mirage and lose myself in that history.  It becomes my reality. 

However, due to years of meditation, spiritual practices, and prayer I have begun to connect with a deeper healing presence, a sense of myself separate from this sudden resurgence of old memories. I can hold steady, saying to myself, “It’s OK. I’ve got this. You can trust me,” watching as the sense of overwhelm subsides. In the face of old habits of thinking and feeling I chose to comfort and love that part of myself, the “mangy dog” self, the shamed and broken self that I, with great effort, have kept under wraps, horrified that I will be exposed to its censure and debasement. This deeper conscious self acknowledges the stored memory of pain and fear and self-loathing and loves it, comforts it, embraces it.  These wounded places of stored self hate and fear feel loved, cared for and protected. I love the broken wounded, fearful places. I love myself. And now maybe I have a chance of loving my neighbor.

It occurred to me that what stopped my writing is the belief in my lack of wisdom.  There is a level of knowing, a broader vision, an intelligence that I just don’t grasp so what can I possible have to offer. Seems I am caught in a belief that what I know is not good enough. The perfection I am seeking is the mistake. What I know is sufficient.  I am only being asked to say what I know, to contribute my thoughts to the continuum of all human knowledge.  This is how it looks from here.  This is what I see, hear and feel.  I can write from what I know and trust that what I know is sufficient to share with the world.

Today while walking I began to think about writing and the lack of it I seem to be doing.  Immediately my chest caves in, my pace slows down, my shoulders hunch as I succumb to the torturous sensation of guilt and hopelessness.  But I refuse to give in to this sensation and immediately start chanting God’s name—Allah, Allah, Allah. My attention is drawn to the electric fence surrounding the upper meadow.  Tiny crystal raindrops cling to the bottom edge along the length of each wire reflecting the world of color around me. This exquisite detail and simplicity draws me back to the present moment and I remember my wholeness and perfection. I turn back to the beauty and perfection here in the natural world. I turn back to that perfection in me and trust. 

Jamila Davies

September 21, 2016